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Monthly Archives: September 2005

Shit stinks…

I can’t wait until the day when the one person that keeps
piling more shit to the pile, falls face first in it…

Ok, that’s a
bit mean, but gosh…ITS SOO HARD!!!

You get told one minute that
they love you for you bluntness, and then the next minute when you’re blunt with
them, and they ask your opinion, and you give it to them and it doesn’t go their
way…

You’re the worst person on the face of this
Earth.

“Would it be wrong of me to date him right
now?”….

Me: Yes, because it would completely defy the reason of
why you broke up with him in the first place. You have to stop doing what you’re
doing to him. He was finally to the point where life was bearable, and then when
the guy you was with broke up with you, he was the next best thing. Then all the
building and reconstruction that he’s done since the split, was automatically
gone when you came and kicked over his building blocks.

“No, I don’t
mean right now…I mean in a few months..”

Me: What the hell, So
you’re saying that everything about him before he gets saved you didn’t love? He
needed you the most when trying to get closer to God, and you left him out on a
limb, and a very flimsy one at that. It was to the point where it almost
snapped, and you wasn’t there…HE HAD NOTHING, and now that he’s getting along
and is balancing himself on that limb, you think it’s ok to waltz back in, and
have him risk the chance in snapping it? Ok, even if he does get saved in a few
months…just what ya wanted…he doesn’t need you coming and wrecking that for
him. Yeah, you say its the best thing that’ll happen to you in your life,
besides your wedding day. I have a feeling that you’re going to hurt him, you’ve
done it the past three times, and with him just getting saved, and finally
getting close to God, you’ll hurt him and you’ll put him right back to where he
was before getting saved, and he’ll find himself pushing God away. He doesn’t
need that. You’ve done enough damage.

“I think my mom loves you more
than she does me…You’re at my house more than I am..”

Me: If it
makes you happy, I’ll stop coming around. I was there for your sister when You
slighted her, your parents, and your friends. You’re the one that screwed up the
trust issue with your parents. I haven’t lost their trust yet, and I hope I
never do. Losing Yall would be the biggest mistake of my life. Especially both
of you. I already feel like I’ve lost you. You’re the one that keeps driving
yourself farther and farther away from us, and yet we’re still here for you to
crap on some more. Yeah, we take your shit, and I’m sure we’ll always do that.
But you don’t see, that we’re waiting on you to see that. We can’t MAKE you see.
It hurts us to sit back and watch you damage your life like you’re doing. I’ve
heard that your sister looks up to me. That’s great, but I fear that one day I’m
going to screw up, and that’ll be probably the worst day of my life. Talking to
your mom tonight, I think was the beginning of it. I think i royally screwed up.
I’m sorry for everything I did. It’s all my fault. We we’re close, but I lost my
Nextel, and it seemed like the communication stop. Sort of like being an
inconvenience to you because I no longer had it. I hate that you feel this way,
so you’ll no longer have to worry about it. I’ll see your Mama during the day,
along with your sister. I’ll see them at practice. Other than that you don’t
have to worry about a damn thing. It’s taken care of. All I can say is, you
better take care of ’em, because you’re the one that’s never home, and if you
aren’t working you always gotta be gone. Your sister once looked up to you, and
she still does, but slowly you’re losing that, and I hope that you’ll see it
before it’s to late.. I love all of you: Mama, Daddy, You, and
Caitlyn.

“Do you think He “really” loves me?”

Me: Hell yeah
I do, or else why has he suffered more than you. Yeah, it’s easy for you to move
on. We all see that. You can’t be happy without a guy, ever. You’re with a guy
every day of your life. That’s great, but how can you sleep at night being able
to kiss 2 guys and tell them that you love them, and still live with yourself.
It’s not kindergarten anymore. Stop doing this to them, it’s not right. You’ve
been called the “Virgin Whore.” I’ve stood by you and stood up for you when
people called you that. The rumors that spread, it was me defending them and
said they weren’t true. Who else would have done that? Would have put up with
all your crap? Not many, not anyone I can think of other than me, and Him.

I do have one thing left to say:

“I would like for you to take a
look at yourself, your life, and your ways from a different perspective. See
what you’re doing wrong, not for me, not for anybody but You and God. You said
you wanted to get closer, but I see you driving yourself away even further and
further. See what’s happening in life, and not what you want to see. See the
reality of the situation, and not what always makes Jennifer feel good. Don’t be
so self-centered all the time.” You make us feel like shit, while everything is
nice and dandy, and happy-go-lucky for you.

Congratulations, you
probably just made me be the worst person I could ever think I
am…

I hope you’re happy…

Yeah you got pissed at
me, and we haven’t talked since. You have’t bothered to call, you’re just
hanging out with them, because we’re just a substitute when you fall and skin
your knee one more time. You know what, scars don’t ever go away. Always
remember that. You know that when you do fall, we’ll be here, and it shouldn’t
be like that. We only take your shit because We love you, and care. But you
don’t see that, because you don’t want to face the bold face truth, and you
don’t want to hear anything that doesn’t go your way. If you’re happy with life
the way it is right now, and making us feel like pure, pathetic shit…Then keep
livin’ life like that, but I can say, that We wont be here waiting on you
forever to come to your senses.

You haven’t lost a friend, but I’m pretty
sure you lost that “sister” that you said I was. They say tough love is the best
love there is. This is what tough love is. It only makes you stronger. Hell, I
wish I could still say that we were sisters, but I don’t think we are. I
constantly try, but what the hell am I trying for, if you’re not willing to give
a little? I’m sorry it has to be like this, but until you do something about
“you” then I don’t want to be apart of it anymore. It’s went on for too long.

Tell Caitlyn for me, that I’m sorry that it has to be this way, but I
don’t know what else to do, and I can’t help the way you feel.

Peace,
Love, and Bullshit…

That’s life right?

As soon as I can type normally again, and it not hurt my left hand..

I’ll
update my livejournal with all the crap that’s been going on in my
life…

Fun stuff right there…

Here’s the thing. I know the title says “My Dream Team Friends.” I don’t even
consider yall my “Dream Team” friends. I consider yall my actual Friends. Eh,
well that sounded bad, but oh well, It’s True!

FOR
YALL!!:

And I never thought I’d feel this way

and as far as
I’m concerned
I’m glad I got the chance to say
that I do believe I love
you.
And if I should ever go away
well

then close your eyes and
try
To feel the way we do today
and then if you can remember:

Keep smilin’
keep shinin’

knowing you can always count on me
for sure –
That’s what friends are for.
For good times and bad times

i’ll be on your side forever more –
That’s what friends are for.

Well
you came and opened me
and now there’s so much more I see

And so by the way I thank you.

Oh
and then for the times
when we’re apart

Well
then close your eyes
and lovely words are
comin’ from my heart

And then if you can remember:

Keep smilin’

keep shinin’

knowing you can always count on me for sure –

That’s what friends are for.
For good times and bad times
i’ll be on
your side forever more –
That’s what friends are for.

Keep smilin’

keep shinin’

knowing you can always count on me for sure –

That’s what friends are for.
For good times and bad times
i’ll be on
your side forever more –
That’s what friends are for.

Keep
smilin’
keep shinin’
. . .
Keep smilin’
keep shinin’
. . .

Mom’s been on my case for the past week. Picks at every little thing, doesn’t recognize that I’ve changed for the better. She always notices the bad I do, and never the good. She wont let me go to a college of my choice. She doesn’t want me living on campus. It’s like she doesn’t want me live a little. She’s not a bad mother, and I wouldn’t be who I am, if it weren’t for her in my life. She’s getting the “OH MY GOD’S” and everything’s just so screwed up between us right now. This has never happened before. Yes, we’ve said words in the past, but NEVER like this. We can’t say 1 sentence anymore, without ending up in a huge BLOW-UP! It’s like I have failed her as not only her daughter, but as her upbringing. I know that I screwed up in my first 3 years of highschool. I don’t hide that within me. I tell everyone that I did, and I’m not ashamed of it. It seems like she wants me to be, but I’m not. It was those three years, that were stepping stones to who I am now. Yes I’ve changed. I had to write something for class the other day, and it had to be about us. This is what I wrote:

If you knew me back in the 9th 10th, or 11th grade you could tell that I wasn’t motivated, or purpose-driven. I didn’t really care about my grades, nor really ever came to school. I don’t know why I was like that, because my parents always strived for me to do well, and be the best that I could be. I think that not knowing who I wanted to be, What I wanted to become, or Where I wanted to go in life had a lot to do with it. Over this past summer I went on two vacations. I didn’t expect them to change me like they did. I didn’t even expect them to have any effect on my life whatsoever. Little did I know, they expanded my horizons. I finally figured out the three things that drove me away from doing what I was capable.
Upon returning from vacation, I finally found out my “calling,” or niche. Ever since, I’ve been motivated to do good, and be what I know I can be. I’m finally leading a purpose-driven life. The reward is even better because I have God with me, and guiding me through this. My whole life’s turned around from what it was in the 9th grade. I’m getting up and looking forward to going to school. I find myself getting to school 45 minutes early just to start my day off right. I’m finally finding out how much my grades mean to me. I could keep on going on, and on about how much I’ve changed, but words are not enough. I’m definitely different from the way I was a few years ago. I think that I’ve changed for the better.
With all this being said, I just want a shot at college, and a shot at being what I know I can be. A shot at becoming, what I know I want to be, and a shot at becoming who I know I want to become. I’m not asking for any special treatment, or to get the easy way in the door. I want to earn my way into college, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get there. I just need to know what all I have to do so I can get a shot at being able to get accepted.

Yes, it sounds corny, I know. This is how I really feel right about now. Yes, I screwed up my GPA to where I won’t get the HOPE SCHOLARSHIP. I realize that, but why does Mom have to keep bringing that up. I KNOW, daggum! Whatever it takes for me to pay for college, I’m going to do that. With or without her. I don’t think she realizes everything that’s changed about me. I don’t know if she wants to see it or not. I know that if Mama ‘Verne, and Jennifer, and Caitlyn, and Daddy can see it, then she can too. I hate bad mouthing her as I am writing this, but it’s all true. Once again, she’s not a bad mother. I find her to be the best, but I don’t know what’s happening here lately. She keeps talking about how she’s in college full time, and she’s working a job full time. She says that she’s keeping her grades in college at all a’s. I’m like MOM, “that’s great!” and of couse she cuts me off before I can finish, and she goes and “You’re capable of that too.” I just hope she knows that right now it seems like I’m getting further and further away from her, just because of what’s happening. I hate to say that, but that’s the way I feel.
We went to the guidance counselor at my school the other day, and they were the ones that finally declared, that I’m not getting HOPE. Sitting there in the office, I just wanted to go, “DUH MOM, I COULD’VE TOLD YOU THAT!” So right now, I have no clue as to what I am going to do when it comes to college. I have Toccoa Falls College calling me everyday wanting me to apply. Jennifer and I are traveling up there on Oct. 7th to see what they’re all about. If I do get accepted, I have no clue what I am going to do to afford it. But I am willing to do ANYTHING, and EVERYTHING to make it all work.
The best thing, and the easiest thing I can do right now, is hand it all up to GOD. He knows what HE’s doing, and HE’s got a plan for me. I can’t wait to see what that plan is. God will never give me a mountain that I can’t climb. Speaking of Mountains, Toccoa Falls College is in the Mountains. But hopefully everything will work out, as planned. I know yesterday I said that I just wished God would go, “HERE’S YOUR SIGN!” But you and I both know, that life’s not that easy. But lately I have found myself getting different signs about stuff, which is GOOD!
Without the help of GOD and My friends right now, I would be without. I was telling Bethany in a reply that I was starting to scare myself. I was afraid that I was going to end up doing something that I was going to regret, or something that I wasn’t going to be able to see the result of. I’m glad that I’m not in this state of mind now. A few days ago, and up until recently, I felt like a worthless piece of crap at the bottom of the feeding chain. I felt like I failed My Mom, God, and not only them, but MYSELF! I don’t feel that I have failed myself anymore, but I still feel like I have failed my Mom. I wrote her a note, in which I haven’t found a time to give it to her, but I think I’m going to give it to her on my 18th birthday. Here’s what it’s all about.

For My Mom on My 18th Birthday,
I’ve never been one who’s good with her words, but I’m going to try this anyways…
——————————————————————————-
You have always been my biggest fan. You’ve taught me how to listen to my heart, how to love, showed me that as long as you have love in your heart, you’re the richest person on earth. You told me I could be anything I want to be. In the future I want to be at least half the person you are today. You’ve taught me everything I will need to be successful in life. I am a reflection of who you are, and what you’ve taught me. I couldn’t ask for anything better than that.
You’ve been there throughout these past Eighteen years. You’ve been there even when I tried pushing you away. You’ve always taught me to strive for my very best, and I hope that I didn’t let you
down. I have to say that it wasn’t hard for me to strive for my best, when God blessed me with the best I could ever ask for. I have the best mother, and family I could ever ask for. I hope that when
you look at me, and who I have become that you’re not ashamed of me, or how I turned out.
I’ll always be your Baby Girl, which will NEVER change! I hope that with your upbringing that I’ll become at least half the woman that you are today. Everyday I realized that I could have lost you a year ago when I was in the four-wheeler wreck. You were the last thought that went through my mind before it had happened, and the first thought on my mind after I regained consciousness. I thank God everyday that he gives me one more day to spend with you, and one more day to make you proud. One more day to allow you to touch my life like no one has before. One more day to let me be your Baby Girl, One more day to let me see the sparkle in your eye when you look at me, Chris, and Larry., One more day to allow me to enjoy life with you by my side, watching and guiding me with your amazing grace. Everyday you amaze me more, because you’re trying to make something of yourself, by working a full-time job, and going to college full-time, as well. So when you say I don’t appreciate you, that’s not true, because how can I not appreciate you? You’re doing everything you can to make my life at least half as better as yours was growing up. I may not show that I appreciate you, but I do, more than you will ever know. Without you in my life, life wouldn’t be worth living. The least I could do in return for what you’ve done for all three of us, Larry, Chris, and I, is to say “Thank You.” So Mom, I would like to say Thank You for making me who I am today, and who I will become. Thank You for always being there, especially when I needed you the most. Thank You for being the Perfect Fan, and Thank You for being the best Mom I could ever ask for. And last but not least, Thank You for showing me how to love others, showing me that I can be loved as well, and an utmost Thank You for just being You!

Here’s the song that will always be my song to you

The Perfect Fan

It takes a lot to know what is love
It’s not the big things, but the little things
That can mean enough
A lot of prayers to get me through
And there is never a day that passes by
I don’t think of you
You were always there for me
Pushing me and guiding me
Always to succeed

Chorus:
You showed me
When I was young just how to grow
You showed me
Everything that I should know
You showed me
Just how to walk without your hands
Cause mom you always were
The perfect fan

God has been so good
Blessing me with a family
Who did all they could
And I’ve had many years of grace
And it flatters me when I see a smile on your face
I want to thank you for what you’ve done
In hopes I can give back to you
And be the perfect son (daughter)

Chorus

You showed me how to love
You showed me how to care
And you showed me that you would
Always be there
I want to thank you for that time
And I’m proud to say you’re mine

Chorus

Cause mom you always were
Mom you always were
Mom you always were
You know you always were
Cause mom you always were

The perfect fan

I love you mom

So here’s just one last thank you for all that you do, and don’t think that I don’t notice it, because I do. I love you, and Thank You for making me who I am today.

Love Always and Forever,

Your Baby Girl

Bekah Boo

P.S. You just walked in (Sept. 11th) in my room, and asked who I was writing to, and I said, “None of your business.” I’m sorry, but I had nothing other to say. I hope you didn’t get too mad at me.

I do have to say, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK.

Until Next time…

10 years ago: I was 7, almost 8. I was young, innocent, and didn’t have any worries in the world.

5 years ago: I just started middle school, or just got done with my 6th grade year. I was active, skinny, and INVOLVED. My parents were going through a divorce. I set school and country records in Volleyball, and track. I hated school, just like every other year.

1 year ago: Junior Year, sucked until me and Jenn reunited as friends. I had my 4-wheeler wreck, redevoted myself, and didn’t do much, other school and work, and hang with friends.

Yesterday: Wednesday, had one of the crappiest days yet. Explain later on in my next post.

Tomorrow: Friday, Coweta County Schools only have a half of day. My 2nd block teacher told the Seniors not to show up, so I get out even earlier. I get to leave at 10:00, wait for Jenn, and all my other buddies to get out, and then we’re going to eat breakfast somewhere.

5 snacks I enjoy: Mama’s cooking, Mama’s cooking, Beef Jerky, Kirby’s Sandwiches, and everything else left.

5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs: Diana Degarmo, Sugarland, Reba McEntire, Wynonna Judd, any other Country Artist as well.

5 things I would do with a $100,000,000: Oh yay!

1) Buy myself a house, and design it how I would like it.<br>
2) ROADTRIP!
3) Pay for my entire college career.
4) Charities
5) Help some family memebers that need it.

5 locations I would like to run away to: I can’t say Georgia like the rest of yall, because I’m here 24/7, and wish that I could leave right NOW!, Spain, Italy, The Bahamas, Montana, and any place that has wide open country, and HORSES!

5 bad habits I have: emotions into everything, being TOO blunt, not believing in myself when I should, not caring anymore because I’m giving up hope, and BEING ME?

5 things I like doing: Go to the movies, sit on my butt, hang out with my friends, sleep, and softball!

5 things I will always wear: My necklace, my class ring, my watch, my belt buckle, and my cowboy hat and boots

5 t.v. shows I like: Law and Order: SVU, Friends, Laverne and Shirley, Three’s Company, Roseanne…all the oldies..

5 movies I like: Selena, Ladder 49, Coach Carter, anything else that keeps me in suspence, and MAKES ME LAUGH!

5 famous people I would Like to meet: Diana Degarmo, Mother Teresa, Terri Schiavo and Laci Peterson, Keith Urban, and Sugarland (the group).

5 biggest joys at the moment: eh, none other than MY FRIENDS, GOD, and BEING MYSELF!!!

5 favorite toys: My Computer, My car, My Digital Camera, MY bed (man i miss that thing when i go places overnight!!! its so COMFY), and My radio…take that away from me, and im useless!

Have you ever wished that you was someone that you’re not? Have you ever wished that you were perfect in every aspect of life? Have you ever wished that people would notice the good you do, and not always the bad?

Yeah, welcome to my world…

I’m sorry I can’t live up to everyone’s standards. I am only me, and I wish that people would just accept that. I’m not my brothers. I’m not a conformist. I am not a genius. I’m not book-smart. I actually find myself somewhat dumb. I’m not one who can make sense out of the simplest things in life, I actually make more sense out of the complexity of life. I’m not one to follow the crowd, nor jump on the “bandwagon.” I find myself very unique in my own ways. I don’t have friends just to take up time. I don’t date just to take up time. I put my emotions into everything I do. What’s life if you don’t live it? I’m not the skinniest, or prettiest person on Earth. I don’t try to impress people. I don’t think I should have to, because if people weren’t so judgemental they would be impressed with who I am now. I have some skills that some people would find weird. I just think that they’re unique. Some might call me a geek, or a nerd, but I don’t think I conform to either of those labels. That’s another thing…Labels, what’s the use in those? If I have friends that I hang out with that belong to certain groups that’s fine too. I don’t have to hang out with a certain group just because of the way I dress. I have friends that are rednecks, jocks, nerds, preps, etc.

I’m sorry that I don’t please my brothers and my mother, because I’m not college-material. As the looks of it right now, I’m not going to qualify for the HOPE SCHOLARSHIP. I’m maintaining a ‘C’ GPA. So yes, that makes me a ‘C’ student. I’m sorry I don’t make sense of the problem: x(2)+y(4-2)=0. I make sense out of the neccesities in life. I make sense out of what I will use in the long run. Yes, if I could do things different my first three years of highschool, I would. No, I don’t regret a minute of my highschool years. I don’t feel like I should. Yes, I feel like a worthless piece of crap right now, because I’m not the smartest person in the world. Yes, I only got an 800 on the old SAT the first time I took it. No, I haven’t attempted a second try at it. No, I haven’t studied for it, and I don’t plan to. If I’m not smart enough to pass it on my own, then what’s the use and studying, and showing colleges that I had to study in order to pass it. No, I probably wont get accepted into the college that I want. I can live with that. Right now I don’t even feel like going to college. Just when I thought I had everything figured out, I crash right back into the brick wall that I just got back up from. I fear that If I try climbing the brick wall, that it will just grow higher, and higher. Seems there is no way around that wall either. When I’m with certain people, I know who I am. When I’m with other people, I have no clue. I wish people would see the good that I do, and not the bad. I don’t like people that only see the bad. I was at a Joel Osteen Concert thing, and he said if you only allow yourself to see the bad, then THAT’s what you’re going to see. I wish that these certain people would allow theirselves to see the GOOD sometimes.

I just hope that these certain people know that they’re driving me away from them, when they only see the bad that I do. I don’t do nothing extremely bad. The worse thing I’ve ever done is skip school without Mom knowing. Everyone’s like no that isnt, you’ve drank before. Yes, I’ve drank before, but I don’t find it extremely bad, because when I did drink, my Mom and Dad was there, along with the rest of my family. So, I don’t think that’s the worst thing I have ever done. I just would like to apologize to the people that are described above. I’m sorry that you feel the way you do, and NO I’m not apologizing for someone that I am not. I will say this though.

I say:

If you don’t start recognizing good sometimes, and always the bad, You’ll find yourself doing bad, and never good.

Well, I got to go. I’m skipping first block today, but Mama knows so it’s all good. It’s 9:04, and I need to finish getting ready.

Until next time —

Today marks the 4th year anniversary of September 11th. I never really thought that Firefighters were heroes. Maybe because, they’re just everyday people. What the firefighters did on that day, was beyond measurable. They never thought as they were running into that building that they could die. They never even turned back. They were given a job to do, and they did it. It was definitely a selfless act of heroism. I guess I finally figured out the reason I honor the firefighters now. It’s because of all the training I’ve done at the fire department. I know what it’s like to run into a burning building. We’ve done that before. I know that I was scared crapless that I wasn’t going to make it out alive. Thankfully I did, and that’s when I look at them and see them running into the tallest building that stood, and they never even thought about running back out. It bumfuzzles me how people overlook everyday heroes and never even once think about what they do.

They just recently released the radio transmissions from the firefighters and EMT’s from the events on September 11th. I have to admit, some of the stuff is pretty detailed, but it’s so worth listening to them. When you listen you can tell that they had nothing on their mind’s, except to go in, get the victims, and get out. We have a saying on our wall at Station 81 that says “Everyone Comes Home Alive.” I wish that in the case of 9/11 that this were true. I believe that Osama was a coward for what he done, and that it took innocent people like the firefighters, and the workers in the WTC to die, just because of him. We’ve talked in Economics class about his motive behind the WTC incident, and supposively the reason was that he didn’t believe in America’s Economic System. I was floored when I found out that he killed that many people just because he didn’t like how America did business economically. Just because I don’t like him doesn’t mean I am going to kill a 1,000 people from Afghanistan. That wouldn’t me morally or ethically right, now would it?

So hopefully today, I wish that yall would at least send out a word of prayer for the FDNY, and the families of the lost ones of 9/11. Because everyone knows what it’s like to lose a loved one, and these people are still mourning over their lost one, because each time 9/11 rolls around every year, they can’t just go around and not avoid it, beacuse it’s talked about all over national television. So just do something, to show that you recognize their kind acts, and honor what they did.

On the other hand, I will finish updating the journal about my life, and what’s been going on. I have to get into bed, because I to be up in 6 hours.

So check back…

List Ten Things that Make You Happy

1. Waking up each morning thinkin, I have one more day to make things right.
2. Hanging out with friends, and moving Mama ‘Verne’s car LMAO!
3. Getting high on life 🙂
4. The sunset over the farm
5. Talking to Paige last night 🙂
6. Babies, it just fulfills my heart
7. MUSIC!
8. My sisters, and my 2nd family
9. Being plum lazy…
10. My DreamTeam Friends