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Mom’s been on my case for the past week. Picks at every little thing, doesn’t recognize that I’ve changed for the better. She always notices the bad I do, and never the good. She wont let me go to a college of my choice. She doesn’t want me living on campus. It’s like she doesn’t want me live a little. She’s not a bad mother, and I wouldn’t be who I am, if it weren’t for her in my life. She’s getting the “OH MY GOD’S” and everything’s just so screwed up between us right now. This has never happened before. Yes, we’ve said words in the past, but NEVER like this. We can’t say 1 sentence anymore, without ending up in a huge BLOW-UP! It’s like I have failed her as not only her daughter, but as her upbringing. I know that I screwed up in my first 3 years of highschool. I don’t hide that within me. I tell everyone that I did, and I’m not ashamed of it. It seems like she wants me to be, but I’m not. It was those three years, that were stepping stones to who I am now. Yes I’ve changed. I had to write something for class the other day, and it had to be about us. This is what I wrote:

If you knew me back in the 9th 10th, or 11th grade you could tell that I wasn’t motivated, or purpose-driven. I didn’t really care about my grades, nor really ever came to school. I don’t know why I was like that, because my parents always strived for me to do well, and be the best that I could be. I think that not knowing who I wanted to be, What I wanted to become, or Where I wanted to go in life had a lot to do with it. Over this past summer I went on two vacations. I didn’t expect them to change me like they did. I didn’t even expect them to have any effect on my life whatsoever. Little did I know, they expanded my horizons. I finally figured out the three things that drove me away from doing what I was capable.
Upon returning from vacation, I finally found out my “calling,” or niche. Ever since, I’ve been motivated to do good, and be what I know I can be. I’m finally leading a purpose-driven life. The reward is even better because I have God with me, and guiding me through this. My whole life’s turned around from what it was in the 9th grade. I’m getting up and looking forward to going to school. I find myself getting to school 45 minutes early just to start my day off right. I’m finally finding out how much my grades mean to me. I could keep on going on, and on about how much I’ve changed, but words are not enough. I’m definitely different from the way I was a few years ago. I think that I’ve changed for the better.
With all this being said, I just want a shot at college, and a shot at being what I know I can be. A shot at becoming, what I know I want to be, and a shot at becoming who I know I want to become. I’m not asking for any special treatment, or to get the easy way in the door. I want to earn my way into college, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get there. I just need to know what all I have to do so I can get a shot at being able to get accepted.

Yes, it sounds corny, I know. This is how I really feel right about now. Yes, I screwed up my GPA to where I won’t get the HOPE SCHOLARSHIP. I realize that, but why does Mom have to keep bringing that up. I KNOW, daggum! Whatever it takes for me to pay for college, I’m going to do that. With or without her. I don’t think she realizes everything that’s changed about me. I don’t know if she wants to see it or not. I know that if Mama ‘Verne, and Jennifer, and Caitlyn, and Daddy can see it, then she can too. I hate bad mouthing her as I am writing this, but it’s all true. Once again, she’s not a bad mother. I find her to be the best, but I don’t know what’s happening here lately. She keeps talking about how she’s in college full time, and she’s working a job full time. She says that she’s keeping her grades in college at all a’s. I’m like MOM, “that’s great!” and of couse she cuts me off before I can finish, and she goes and “You’re capable of that too.” I just hope she knows that right now it seems like I’m getting further and further away from her, just because of what’s happening. I hate to say that, but that’s the way I feel.
We went to the guidance counselor at my school the other day, and they were the ones that finally declared, that I’m not getting HOPE. Sitting there in the office, I just wanted to go, “DUH MOM, I COULD’VE TOLD YOU THAT!” So right now, I have no clue as to what I am going to do when it comes to college. I have Toccoa Falls College calling me everyday wanting me to apply. Jennifer and I are traveling up there on Oct. 7th to see what they’re all about. If I do get accepted, I have no clue what I am going to do to afford it. But I am willing to do ANYTHING, and EVERYTHING to make it all work.
The best thing, and the easiest thing I can do right now, is hand it all up to GOD. He knows what HE’s doing, and HE’s got a plan for me. I can’t wait to see what that plan is. God will never give me a mountain that I can’t climb. Speaking of Mountains, Toccoa Falls College is in the Mountains. But hopefully everything will work out, as planned. I know yesterday I said that I just wished God would go, “HERE’S YOUR SIGN!” But you and I both know, that life’s not that easy. But lately I have found myself getting different signs about stuff, which is GOOD!
Without the help of GOD and My friends right now, I would be without. I was telling Bethany in a reply that I was starting to scare myself. I was afraid that I was going to end up doing something that I was going to regret, or something that I wasn’t going to be able to see the result of. I’m glad that I’m not in this state of mind now. A few days ago, and up until recently, I felt like a worthless piece of crap at the bottom of the feeding chain. I felt like I failed My Mom, God, and not only them, but MYSELF! I don’t feel that I have failed myself anymore, but I still feel like I have failed my Mom. I wrote her a note, in which I haven’t found a time to give it to her, but I think I’m going to give it to her on my 18th birthday. Here’s what it’s all about.

For My Mom on My 18th Birthday,
I’ve never been one who’s good with her words, but I’m going to try this anyways…
——————————————————————————-
You have always been my biggest fan. You’ve taught me how to listen to my heart, how to love, showed me that as long as you have love in your heart, you’re the richest person on earth. You told me I could be anything I want to be. In the future I want to be at least half the person you are today. You’ve taught me everything I will need to be successful in life. I am a reflection of who you are, and what you’ve taught me. I couldn’t ask for anything better than that.
You’ve been there throughout these past Eighteen years. You’ve been there even when I tried pushing you away. You’ve always taught me to strive for my very best, and I hope that I didn’t let you
down. I have to say that it wasn’t hard for me to strive for my best, when God blessed me with the best I could ever ask for. I have the best mother, and family I could ever ask for. I hope that when
you look at me, and who I have become that you’re not ashamed of me, or how I turned out.
I’ll always be your Baby Girl, which will NEVER change! I hope that with your upbringing that I’ll become at least half the woman that you are today. Everyday I realized that I could have lost you a year ago when I was in the four-wheeler wreck. You were the last thought that went through my mind before it had happened, and the first thought on my mind after I regained consciousness. I thank God everyday that he gives me one more day to spend with you, and one more day to make you proud. One more day to allow you to touch my life like no one has before. One more day to let me be your Baby Girl, One more day to let me see the sparkle in your eye when you look at me, Chris, and Larry., One more day to allow me to enjoy life with you by my side, watching and guiding me with your amazing grace. Everyday you amaze me more, because you’re trying to make something of yourself, by working a full-time job, and going to college full-time, as well. So when you say I don’t appreciate you, that’s not true, because how can I not appreciate you? You’re doing everything you can to make my life at least half as better as yours was growing up. I may not show that I appreciate you, but I do, more than you will ever know. Without you in my life, life wouldn’t be worth living. The least I could do in return for what you’ve done for all three of us, Larry, Chris, and I, is to say “Thank You.” So Mom, I would like to say Thank You for making me who I am today, and who I will become. Thank You for always being there, especially when I needed you the most. Thank You for being the Perfect Fan, and Thank You for being the best Mom I could ever ask for. And last but not least, Thank You for showing me how to love others, showing me that I can be loved as well, and an utmost Thank You for just being You!

Here’s the song that will always be my song to you

The Perfect Fan

It takes a lot to know what is love
It’s not the big things, but the little things
That can mean enough
A lot of prayers to get me through
And there is never a day that passes by
I don’t think of you
You were always there for me
Pushing me and guiding me
Always to succeed

Chorus:
You showed me
When I was young just how to grow
You showed me
Everything that I should know
You showed me
Just how to walk without your hands
Cause mom you always were
The perfect fan

God has been so good
Blessing me with a family
Who did all they could
And I’ve had many years of grace
And it flatters me when I see a smile on your face
I want to thank you for what you’ve done
In hopes I can give back to you
And be the perfect son (daughter)

Chorus

You showed me how to love
You showed me how to care
And you showed me that you would
Always be there
I want to thank you for that time
And I’m proud to say you’re mine

Chorus

Cause mom you always were
Mom you always were
Mom you always were
You know you always were
Cause mom you always were

The perfect fan

I love you mom

So here’s just one last thank you for all that you do, and don’t think that I don’t notice it, because I do. I love you, and Thank You for making me who I am today.

Love Always and Forever,

Your Baby Girl

Bekah Boo

P.S. You just walked in (Sept. 11th) in my room, and asked who I was writing to, and I said, “None of your business.” I’m sorry, but I had nothing other to say. I hope you didn’t get too mad at me.

I do have to say, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK.

Until Next time…

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