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Monthly Archives: December 2005

Follow-up to “Why do I always hurt the one’s I hold dear — Part 1.”

Just when you think that life was going good it does a complete U-Turn and
goes in the opposite direction from where you just came from. Just when you
think that you’re not going to have to worry about anything something else
happens. Trying to please folks is under-rated. I’ll tell you that much. I’m
tired of having to choose and take sides. I’ve finally snapped and I’m remaining
the middleman. My bluntness and outspoken ways are envied more now that ever. I
can never say anything right and I always end up hurting the ones that I hold
dear.

I’m tired of my life being topsy-turvy. It’s one big roller-coaster with the
biggest loops you’ll ever see and everyone enjoys taking a thrill ride on it.
They say everything in life happens for a reason. What is the reasoning as for
why my life is never at positive equilibruim and always negative equilibruim? I
just don’t understand. They say that the lessons in life are what makes you
stronger. What is the lesson that I’m learning from this? It’s nothing
spectacular. I’ll tell you that much. It’s consistant, it never goes away, and
it hasn’t made me any stronger than I already was.

For once I would love to have some control over which way my life goes.
Control over what I’m going to do next. And control over where my life is
headed. The only thing I’ve had control over in life has been tobacco. Yes,
tobacco. Most folks find themselves smoking, dipping, chewing, or drinking
because it’s the only thing in their life that they can control. That’s why they
do it and that’s why they depend on it more than anything else. It’s the only
thing in their lives that make sense and that’s why they remain doing it. I’m
tired of only being able to control the use of tobacco. It’s life’s little
mishaps that only make me rely on tobacco even more. People are always using the
excuse that tobacco is a stress reliever. That may be the case but knowing that
the tobacco relieves the stress of everyday life it only drives folks to depend
on it more causing that person to only have control over the tobocco and not the
stress. Sooner or later it runs their life and they can’t function without
it.

As for the new plans I set out to make for 2006 the use of none or less
tobacco is one of them. I’m tired of dipping and chewing. It’s only been a waste
of money and it hasn’t done anything other than make more problems instead of
alleviating them. I may have the occasional pinch or chew here and there but
it’s not going to be something I rely on. I never relied on it heavily before
but I notice myself using it more excessively now. Hopefully 2006 brings about a
new start and the new year holds something better for all of us. I know that
this past year has been nothing but an emotional roller-coaster for most and I’m
looking foward to something different and something new. My other plans for the
new year consist of going to school regularly and not skipping or laying out,
making past relationships that went bad all better again, stop hurting the folks
around me that I care most about, work towards building a new future for myself,
making myself a new start in the new year, a new year a better person, and
building on my relationship with God.

With that being said it makes me think of this one song, and for some
reason it’s a Christmas song. I know it’s past Christmas but I figured two days
late is better than 2 months late.

My Grown up Christmas
List:
Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with
childhood fantasies
Well I’m all grown up now
And still need help
somehow
I’m not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here’s my
lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world
in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time
would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would
always win
And love would never end, no
This is my grown up christmas
list
As children we believe
The grandest sight to see
Was something
lovely
Wrapped beneath the tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and
bows
Can never heal a heartached human soul
No more lives torn
apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And
everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would
never end, no
This is my grown up christmas list
What is this illusion
called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find
the truth
No more lives torn apart (No more torn apart)
That wars would
never start (never start)
And time would heal all hearts
(ohh..hearts)
Everyone would have a friend (one would have a friend)
And
right would always win (would always win)
And love would never end
(never…never end, no)
This is my grown up christmas list
This is my only
lifelong wish
This is my grown up christmas list…

So what all yall need to do for me is keep me in line.
Don’t be afraid to ask me, “Bekah, when’s the last time you’ve dipped or
chewed?” I know how much I don’t like it when folks know about me doing that
stuff and yall asking me that question will only get me to quit that much more.
So please feel free to do that so it gets me to quit faster and more sooner.

Happy New Year Yall!

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I have alot to say, but i will edit this later on today, and say what i have to
say…

check back..

So yeah, another day, another roadblock…

Whats the odds that that
happens…

Well for me, LIKELY and
FREQUENTLY…

Until next time —

Well I think I’m just going to go on to bed, I’ve had a

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day
And a VERY BAD ONE AT THAT!!!!!

I think I’m just going to go cry
myself to sleep…

The time has come for us to move on,
We look back to see that our friends are
long gone.

There’s no turning back now,
the future is one step
away.

As we get on our knees to come together and pray,
We thank God
for guiding us His way.

We’re graduating now,
Lets keep our heads held
high.

It’s time for us to say our goodbye’s,
Time is slowly
ticking
But our last four years have flown right by.
We will never forget
the memories that are now once passed.

We open our eyes and see our
dreams coming true,
–Like a sky so bright, and so blue.

This isn’t
our last day,
but it is a new beginning.

The door is now open,
and
life is embracing us with open arms.

URGH!

One word I keep asking myself right now is “why.”

Websters definition for “why” is the cause, reason, or purpose for which.

With that said:

What is the cause for
all of this, What is the reason I am feeling this way, and What is the
purpose for which I am doing this to myself?

For those of you who think this is the follow-up blog that I was talking about, no, its not it.

Yes this was modeled after something Jennifer wrote, but it suited how I am feeling right now, so I went with it.

If I ever seem “uneasy” to yall, dont think that its yall’s fault, because its not. I would never want yall to feel that way.

Until Next time…