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January 1, 2006

My Life in 2005

 

Overall I think this has been the most disgraceful year of my life. I feel I
am the worst person on this Earth for even writing that because I know you
should be thankful for everyday that you get to live. If I could go back there
would be a lot of things that I would do different, things I would have left
unsaid, people I would have never hurt, and things I would have never done to
begin with. I look back on these times that have now past and wonder if I am
going to do them again in the future. I beat myself up about them because I’ve
never let them go. They say you shouldn’t hang onto your past but there is
something in me that isn’t allowing me to let go.

In the past year I’ve let not only myself down but others as well. I not only
hurt myself but I hurt others in the process and I feel like I’ve failed in all
aspects of life. I’ve only done enough to get by and not once have I tried doing
something with an open mind. I lost every ounce of motivation that I once had
and that left me in disgrace, humiliation, degradation, dishonor, and ignominy.
Self-degradation hovers over my head and I have the constant fear that people
can see it as if it were a ghost following me. I feel as if “pot-scum” is my
first name.

In the past six months I watched my best friend hit rock bottom, slip through
the cracks, and fall some more. I left her hanging, provided no support, treated
her like pure crap, and watched her suffer through absolute pure misery. I made
her swallow her ever-loving pride, pierced her ego, and sucker-punched her in
the stomach more than once. I watched her lose everything with my own two eyes,
I watched her walk around as an empty shell, and watched her get treated like
crap by the people she cared most for. I was there when she lost everyone in her
life person-by-person. I was also there when she lost everything in her life
piece-by-piece. I saw her lose herself, her security, and her composure while I
still had all that from her helping me discover it.

This past semester of school I gave up on myself half-way through and didn’t
go out with a fighting chance. I gave up without even caring. I never once
looked beyond that to see what I could have gotten out of the experience. I lost
whatever motivation I had, lost myself, and then gave up. I was too cowardly to
attend class because I figured I had no use when I made a few lousy test grades
that made my average suffer. I know someone in the same situation that made
awful grades on every test she took but she still gave herself hope thinking the
next one would be different. She ended up failing the class, but I do know that
she went out fighting. I was too stubborn to oversee the failing test scores and
too stubborn to at least leave the class knowing that I tried my hardest.

I turned my relationship with my mother absolutely the complete opposite of
what it was. She was the one person I was actually close to and the one person
that I could talk to about anything. I was too oblivious to recognize that I
cared nothing about anyone but myself and my friends. I turned away my mother
and my family just to have fun with my friends. Someone once said to me, “It’s
your senior year, the last year to do the things that you love to do with your
friends. It only happens once and your mother should understand.” I can see
where they were coming from but I took that quote too far. I was spending no
time with my mother whatsoever. I saw her possibly a couple minutes out of the
entire day. I bad-mouthed her, disrespected her and I didn’t have an absolute
care as to what I was doing. It wasn’t until a few weeks before my eighteenth
birthday I realized why her and I fought everyday out of the week.

I guess if I’ve learned anything in the past year, it was about the people
and the things that I care about most. I realized I needed to get my priorities
straight and this is what the new year is for. To work on my priorities,
rekindling relationships that I’ve thrown in the dirt, and doing many things
different. If there is one thing that I am thankful for most out of this past
year, it’s for the people that still have faith in me and the one’s that haven’t
turned their backs on me throughout everything I’ve done to them. Here’s to a
new year, a new start, and a better person. This is definitely a vow to myself
because if I haven’t done one thing right in the past year then this is
definitely something I can consider right for the new year. I guess these are
just “Lessons Learned.”


Rebekah Wigley

 

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