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Monthly Archives: February 2006

Can you believe it? Finally something I’ve wanted for so long has finally went
right. I’m so happy. I’m now a volunteer and I can’t wait to get my probationary
assignment and for the induction ceremony to get here. 🙂 Ah, I’m like jumping
up and down for joy inside, yall just don’t know. Today I had the physical part
of my application to do. I had to be there at 9 a.m. this morning. Sonja and I
got there about 8 minutes early. The paperwork I had to fill out took forever,
then I waited for them to call me back there.

Little did I know, it was going to
be a three hour physical. They started off by taking my blood pressure and then
taking my blood. Being cursed like I am with rolling veins, or whatever its
called, they started with the right arm first, just like everyone else does. I
told them, good luck trying to hit that vein, no one can ever get it. The phlebotomist was like “oh I’ll get it.” So I was like ok, but like i said
“Goodluck!” So she pokes me and I’m sitting there and I’m like you didn’t hit it,
I didn’t feel it pop, go on and dig around. She’s goes “I don’t want to have to
do that, and I said “it’s ok, I’m used to it.” So she digs around and after
about 5 minutes of digging around she hits the vein, i felt it pop. Well the
blood started filling up the tube but it went so slow it was already clotting,
they had to close off the line. So they pull out the needle and my blood
squirted on the ladies scrubs, I found it comical, it got on the tray as well.
They got it to stop bleeding and in between nurses where they were moving the
needle around under my skin, it had already started bruising. They get another
lady in there to come see if she could find a vein for the line. So see puts the
rubber band thingy on my left arm and starts feeling around for a vein, she
finds one in the crease of my arm and then she starts looking at the ones in my
wrist and I’m like “Yippee! *sarcasm*” But she finally started feeling back on
the crease of my arm. So she puts her gloves on and gets the needle and line
ready and all that great stuff and what do ya know, the vein moved on her again.
so she starts popping her gloves off and throwing them across the room, and I’m
like “that’s unsanitary.” She feels for it again, and by this time I’m looking at
Sonja and her face was just priceless because one, she doesn’t like needles, and
two she looked like she was about to cry for me. The woman found the vein and
got the needle in it, I felt it pop and I was like “YES!” So the blood started
flowing and she filled up the tubes to send off to the labs. I told her
“Congratulations!” And she goes I have a tiny vein that’s very small and moves
very fast in my arm, and I was like “Congrats!” I guess that’s what happens when
you’re fat, the nurses and stuff can’t find your veins, and I’m already cursed
because Mama and Grandma had running veins as well.

After that came the hearing
test, The woman said I had perfect hearing, I was proud of that. So if anyone
says I’m deaf, I don’t want to hear it. After that I did the vision test,
nothing spectacular there, it was a basic vision test. After that I did the piss
test. My urine is 99.4 degrees, and I had to force myself to go, so they only
got like a little dribble compared to my normal niagra falls waterfall. They
brought my pee back into the room where they did the drug test right there on
the spot, I’m drug free, yay! And then they had to send the rest of it off to do
an urinalysis. After that I had to do the treadmill part of the test, which
involved running in intervals of 5 minutes and then stop and increase the
incline and the speed, then start again. In between while they adjusted it I
only got like 15 seconds to take a breather, not enough to do me justice. I had
to run at 4 mph for 15 minutes at an incline of 4 *whatever that is*. After that
I did the step test to a metronome for 3 minutes straight. Then they did this
breathe test to measure the capacity of my lungs. I passed 2 out of 3 of those.
I don’t understand that thing, it’s messed up and the woman didn’t even know how
to work the dang thing. Next they had to do an EKG, I’m used to those, I get
those taken every time I go to the cardiologist. I made Sonja step out the room,
I didn’t want to have to flash her, but I did have to strip from the waist up in
front of a complete stranger. Oh well, the woman said I was tan, so it’s all
good.

I got dressed and Sonja came back into the room. Then they took my blood
pressure for the second time. I had excellent blood pressure. After that they
came in the room and said that I will live to volunteer another day. That I’m a
very healthy young adult and that they’ll mail my blood work to my house, I was
like the results right, and they said yeah. I was like “yuck” but anyways. It
was early in the morning. So we got out of there and it was almost 1 ‘o clock. I
came back home, and messed around with Sonja on the computer for a little while,
and when she left I laid down to take a nap and slept until 11 p.m. I woke up
and went and ate dinner and walked by mama’s room and I was like “HOLY CRAP”
what did you do. She was rearranging it and stuff, and told me that I need to
clear all this crap of the table that was in my room and get it ready because
her desk was coming in here and the table that was in here was going in there,
and also had to move the old dresser that was in here into there and put the
dresser in her room that had all my clothes in it in here, and I’m like great.
So Here I am after my crazy mother made me play interior designer in the wee
hours of the morning. I just thought I’d give you an update of my day, and share
with yall my excitement.

I’ll write more later.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin’ as it flows
And a
dreamer’s just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn
from what’s behind you
And never knowing what’s in store
Makes each day a
constant battle
Just to stay between the shores…and

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
‘Til what we
put off ’til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don’t you sit upon the
shoreline
And say you’re satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare
to dance the tide…yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

There’s bound to be rough waters
And I know I’ll take some falls
But
with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all…yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
‘Til the river runs
dry

So what if I always find myself settling for the path of least resistance
and always sitting upon the shoreline? I will forever be burried in the legacy
of everyone else.

I just want to get out of this small town and breakaway. There is so many
limitations of what I can and can’t do. I want to be my own person, and start
living for who I am. Everytime I find myself saying these things I find myself
second-guessing them once again. What am I thinking? I can’t leave behind my
family, and my friends. There’s only one thing that’s keeping me from the
military right now, and if she wasn’t there, I’d be shipping out to Texas for
bootcamp right after high school. I say this and I’m like “What am I doing?”
“Who I am?” Even if that person wasn’t in my life and I was leaving for
bootcamp, the only reason I’d be there in the first place is for all the wrong
reasons. It’d be escaping the things and problems that bother me the most. If I
was to run away now, I’d be running away the rest of my life. I want to get away
to at least figure out my life on my own, but if I figure out the rest of my
life on my own and I get used to being alone, will I be alone the rest of my
life because I’m afraid to let someone come in a ruin those plans and dreams? Is
being alone what I really want? Is going into the military what I really want?
Is escaping what I really want? WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT? Am I being selfish
because I don’t know what I want or too stupid to realize what I want is right
in front of me?

So many questions….

Ever since I started training as an Explorer at the fire department I
couldn’t think of anything but firefighting. Ever since then I could see myself
as being a firefighter and nothing else. People would always ask me what I
wanted to be, I’d say a firefighter or sometimes nothing at all. Afraid of
people laughing in my face and saying, “Oh that’s no real job” or “Why would you
want to do that, that doesn’t pay money.” I know it isn’t always about the
money, and firefighting is a real job. How can it not be a real job saving
people’s lives everyday to get payed little to nothing, and get no recognition
for what you do?

Everyone’s saying why don’t you do firefighting, it’s what has stuck through
all the other ideas of what you’ve wanted to be. Sure, that’d be the most
obvious one to go with, but what if that’s not what God wants. Sometimes what
you want isn’t nessicarily what God wants for you. If I do do that, what if I’m
not great at it? What if I fail? Is it normal to have this much fear as to what
I should do, or this many questions as to what I should decide? So much
second-guessing, this can’t be healthy.

There’s so many questions and very little answers. It’s going back and forth,
I feel like I’m watching a basketball game. In a basketball game, don’t they
score points? When am I going to make a basket? Just for once I wish I could
call a time out to catch my breath. Not now, we’re in overtime. Two points down
with :05 seconds left on the clock. What are we going to do? We going to charge
the net? Pass it? Shoot a three-pointer to win, or settle for what we know we
can do and go into another overtime? What is it that we’re going to do? Are we
going to settle for the road of least resistance or venture down the path of the
“Road Less Traveled?” What is it that the little voice inside your head is
telling you? Is it telling you to do the opposite of what your coach says
because you know what your capabilites are, or is it telling you to follow his
lead and trust in others to learn about teamwork? Are the referees the obstacles
that are in our way, or is it our stubborness that keeps setting us back? Is it
our pierced ego that keeps allowing the other team to get foul shots, or is it
our willingness to see others succeed? Why is it we only romanticize the
good and never the bad?

How come everytime we stop to look at our future and where it leads,
we find ourselves set back 10 miles from where we began?

As I’ve sat here for the past two days wondering how to answer this question
I find myself drawing blanks. As I think of how to answer this question I ask
myself, “If I can’t even answer this simple question how do I even know that I
have a promising future?”

I used to be afraid of so many things, that I’d never grow up, that I’d be
trapped in the same place for all eternity, that my dreams would forever be shy
of my reach. It’s true what they say, time plays tricks on you. One day you’re
dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality.

Now that the scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss
her. I do. Because there are things that I want to tell her, to relax, to
lighten up, that it is all going to be okay.

I want her to know that meeting people who actually except you for who you
are will become an increasingly rare occurrence. Paige, Bethany, Katie, Abby,
Jennifer, Caitlyn, Sonja, these people who contributed to who I am they are with
me where ever I go. As history gets rewritten in smalls way with each passing
day my love for them only grows, because the truth is, it was the best of
times.

Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all that
has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to
forget the bad and romanticizes the good? Maybe it’s because we need to believe
that the time we spent together actually meant something. That we were there for
each other in a time in our lives that defined us all. That time of our lives
that we will never forget. I can’t swear that’s exactly how it happened. but
this is how it felt.

So the only thing I could think of that unites us all, that we all have in
common, is that we start out in kindergarten thinking we can be anything we want
to be and by the time we get here we’ve all lost that feeling, we’ve all started
to believe. Whatever our friends or our parents have told us about what we can
achieve in life and who we can be.

We’ve forgotten about the possibility we had when we were younger, that’s the
one thing we all have in common. So the symbol of us means, possibility, as we
live it’s a little daily reminder of the fact that if you believe in yourself
even when the odds seem stacked against you that anything is possible.

Your whole life is about to change in a way that it will never be the same
again. Your opening a new chapter, and you have to give a proper goodbye to the
old one. You dont want to miss these moments even the sad ones, because you’ll
never get them back again. So enjoy this time, let it wash over you so that your
memories of it are strong. Have faith that things will work out for the best,
that whatever sent us off in different directions is the very same thing that
will bring us back together.

We talk like we know what’s going on, but we don’t. We don’t know anything.
We’re really young and we’re gonna screw-up a lot. We’re gonna keep changing our
minds and even sometimes our hearts. And through all that, the only real thing
we can offer each other is forgiveness. At a certain point the whole thing just
becomes too much to process and your brain gets taken out of the loop. All you
have to rely on is your heart, your natural human instincts. It’s liberating.
Not at first of course; At first it’s terrifying, like falling, but that’s the
point, isn’t it?

This is one of those rare milestone events that separates the first half
of your life from everything that follows.
All the really exciting things in
life require more courage than we currently have. A deep breath and a leap. The
kind of fear you’re talking about sometimes it’s how we know that it’s
worthwhile. What you think you’re leaving behind here, it’s just going to be
that much bigger when you return. Friends give you the worst of news with the
best of intentions, where everything is said in silence because the emotion
behind what we really want to say is just too overwhelming. If I’m thanking you
for anything it’s for being yourself. It’s for not caring what anybody else
thinks. It’s for knowing in your own heart what’s wrong and what’s
right.

That’s something I wrote to Bethany in an email the other day. I went back
and re-read what I wrote, because being the weird person that I am I never read
stuff before I send it, print it, or post it. I’ll second-guess my writing and I
wont get anywhere. Sort of like now.

Upon reading it I was shocked to see so many answers to questions I’ve asked
numerous times. It’s amazing how we read, write, and even say things and its a
shame how we don’t linger and hold on to each other’s every word like we should.
Humans are powerful beyond reason.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is
our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your
playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in
some of us; it is in

EVERYONE.

And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated
from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates
others.”

——————————-

Every Wednesday during Bible study Miz Charlotte always has something that I
take home with me to think about. For the past three weeks we’ve been talking in
deep conversation about listening to your heart. Everyday we’re faced with
people who tell us what we should become. Most people always decide what the
want to do based on money. It’s not always about money it’s about what you want
deep down in your heart and unless you find that you wont have true
happiness.

Oh I swear this town gets smaller everyday,
and I’m waitin for my chance.

I’m gonna break away.
I’m so sick and tired of being told what’s good for
me.
People got lots of ideas, of who I’m supposed to be.

I’m afraid that I’m not going to follow my heart and therefore never find
true happiness. Is it wrong to fear the future because you’re scared that you
might not follow the plans that God has for you? If all roads lead to the same
path then what is it that we are going to learn if we take the wrong one? Will
we learn anything? Or will we just waste all that time because we we’re too
stupid to follow our heart to begin with?

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the
path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they’re
worth taking
Lovin’ might be a mistake
But it’s worth making
Don’t let
some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling
out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing
glance

So many questions that I ask and the answer I can never find. So many ideas I
have of what I want, but in reality I don’t know what I want. Am I being
selfish, or too gullable to make up my own mind? Everything is so easy to
second-guess and ironically it’s so easy to screw-up. There’s only one word I
can think of that I will get out of this whole mental process and that is
PROSPER.

Until next time…