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In life I’ve learned that the one person that you thought will never
let you down will and that the only thing that keeps you living from
day to day is the hope that we have instilled in others. It’s amazing
how we take all of our hopes, dreams, and fears and trust in someone
else but it’s the hardest to believe in our own self. Is the hope that
we put towards others the same hope that we spend a life time trying to
find for ourselves? In the nineteen short years I have lived on this
earth I have dealt with heartache, misery, depression, and so much
more. Each person always thinks that they have it worse off than
another but in reality there is always someone that has it worse off
than you. Why is it when you approach someone and ask how their day is
they always answer with “good” or “alright, how about yours?” How come
humans are so afraid to admit that they’re having a bad day? That’s
what we humans are; happy plastic people. Casting Crowns wrote a song
about people like us. Every human is capable to depend on another
person for several things. Why is it that we have all become so
inferior of one another? It’s amazing how humans don’t hang on to
another person’s every word because there is so much to learn from one
another. I believe that every human has at least one
good story to tell. If you ever get the chance to take the time out of
your meticulously demanding schedule and listen to the words that
another human speaks you will find yourself bewildered but delighted.
Humans are more powerful beyond reason. Marianne Williamson previously
wrote in her book “A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a
Course in Miracles” that “Our deepest fear is not that we’re
inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It
is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask
ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of
God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure
around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to
make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some
of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates
others.” If we all lived by those words do you think this world would
be better off and that our neighboring stranger wouldn’t judge us by
the clothes we wear or the way we portray ourselves? Is it so much that
we not only have to prove ourselves to everyone but we actually care
what that “other person” thinks so much to let it run our lives. It’s
funny though when you think about that. God doesn’t judge us by our
sins and neither does Jesus. After all, Jesus did die on the cross to
prove that love is real. So where’s the love y’all?

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin’ as it flows
And a
dreamer’s just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn
from what’s behind you
And never knowing what’s in store
Makes each day a
constant battle
Just to stay between the shores…and

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
‘Til what we
put off ’til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don’t you sit upon the
shoreline
And say you’re satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare
to dance the tide…yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

There’s bound to be rough waters
And I know I’ll take some falls
But
with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all…yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
‘Til the river runs
dry

So what if I always find myself settling for the path of least resistance
and always sitting upon the shoreline? I will forever be burried in the legacy
of everyone else.

I just want to get out of this small town and breakaway. There is so many
limitations of what I can and can’t do. I want to be my own person, and start
living for who I am. Everytime I find myself saying these things I find myself
second-guessing them once again. What am I thinking? I can’t leave behind my
family, and my friends. There’s only one thing that’s keeping me from the
military right now, and if she wasn’t there, I’d be shipping out to Texas for
bootcamp right after high school. I say this and I’m like “What am I doing?”
“Who I am?” Even if that person wasn’t in my life and I was leaving for
bootcamp, the only reason I’d be there in the first place is for all the wrong
reasons. It’d be escaping the things and problems that bother me the most. If I
was to run away now, I’d be running away the rest of my life. I want to get away
to at least figure out my life on my own, but if I figure out the rest of my
life on my own and I get used to being alone, will I be alone the rest of my
life because I’m afraid to let someone come in a ruin those plans and dreams? Is
being alone what I really want? Is going into the military what I really want?
Is escaping what I really want? WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT? Am I being selfish
because I don’t know what I want or too stupid to realize what I want is right
in front of me?

So many questions….

Ever since I started training as an Explorer at the fire department I
couldn’t think of anything but firefighting. Ever since then I could see myself
as being a firefighter and nothing else. People would always ask me what I
wanted to be, I’d say a firefighter or sometimes nothing at all. Afraid of
people laughing in my face and saying, “Oh that’s no real job” or “Why would you
want to do that, that doesn’t pay money.” I know it isn’t always about the
money, and firefighting is a real job. How can it not be a real job saving
people’s lives everyday to get payed little to nothing, and get no recognition
for what you do?

Everyone’s saying why don’t you do firefighting, it’s what has stuck through
all the other ideas of what you’ve wanted to be. Sure, that’d be the most
obvious one to go with, but what if that’s not what God wants. Sometimes what
you want isn’t nessicarily what God wants for you. If I do do that, what if I’m
not great at it? What if I fail? Is it normal to have this much fear as to what
I should do, or this many questions as to what I should decide? So much
second-guessing, this can’t be healthy.

There’s so many questions and very little answers. It’s going back and forth,
I feel like I’m watching a basketball game. In a basketball game, don’t they
score points? When am I going to make a basket? Just for once I wish I could
call a time out to catch my breath. Not now, we’re in overtime. Two points down
with :05 seconds left on the clock. What are we going to do? We going to charge
the net? Pass it? Shoot a three-pointer to win, or settle for what we know we
can do and go into another overtime? What is it that we’re going to do? Are we
going to settle for the road of least resistance or venture down the path of the
“Road Less Traveled?” What is it that the little voice inside your head is
telling you? Is it telling you to do the opposite of what your coach says
because you know what your capabilites are, or is it telling you to follow his
lead and trust in others to learn about teamwork? Are the referees the obstacles
that are in our way, or is it our stubborness that keeps setting us back? Is it
our pierced ego that keeps allowing the other team to get foul shots, or is it
our willingness to see others succeed? Why is it we only romanticize the
good and never the bad?

It wasn’t until January 5th when I saw the direction where my life was headed…

Sometimes
I find myself in deep thought asking myself “why do things always
happen the way they do?” I know that everything happens for a reason
and that you grow as a person from the experiences in your life. I mean
it’s not everyday that you face the hardest thing in your life that
you’ll have to overcome. Its the metamorphic phase that you will go
through that will change your being for the rest of your time on this
earth. It mesmerizes some but as for the person its taking place with,
it’s all overwhelming.

During
this inner-changing phase the person tends to push away the people and
things they love the most. They don’t mean to but dealing with
everything on top of this experience they have on their plate is
fulfilling and exhausting. We try not to hurt the people, nor push them
away, but it’s the only thing we know how to do because it seems it’s
the easiest thing to do at the time to make it easier on ourselves. We
try to fix the things and the people we hurt, and yet everything we
find ourselves saying sounds just like the reoccuring thoughts in our
head. The words come out jumbled and fast and confusing. The words
always make things worse and never better.

With
it being overwhelming it allows us to lose hope a lot quicker than
others. A few months back I begun to lose hope. Self-doubt has always
been a self issue with me and losing hope didn’t make it any better.
Doubting myself led to worse things and more stuff got thrown my way
and thats when the levy broke, I lost the last bit of hope I had left.
Losing hope has been the biggest life-altering experience I have faced.
As I walk down the hallways in our school I feel worthless and small,
scared and cowardly. Cowardly is the only way you can feel when
self-doubt and hopelessness lingers over your head. The cowardly
feeling is unchangable, irreversable, and everlasting; Everlasting
until you regain that hope back.

That’s
what the next phase in my life is going be: rebuilding and regainging.
Rebuilding the self-esteem I lack. Rebuilding the relationships and
people that I’ve hurt previously. Regaining my self composure.
Regaining my hope back so I feel worthy in some aspect of life.
Redevoting myself to God, because when I lost hope I began to lose hope
and trust in the only threshold to my future. Without that threshold
I’d have nothing.

I
cannot control the changes that are occuring but only accept them. It’s
not the changes that I want, it’s the changes that God wants me to
have. It’s going to be a life-altering experience and a “Mountain Top
Experience” for me. I anticipate when that day comes, for I know others
that feel this way too. Whatever happens is going to be best for me and
it’s something that has to be done.

So here’s to the metamorphic phase in my life…and a new start in 2006..

“Fly”Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try, cause it’s your time,
Time to fly.

All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there’s nothing left,
And the world’s feeling hollow.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try, cause it’s your time,
Time to fly.

And when you’re down and feel alone,
Just want to run away,
Trust yourself and don’t give up,
You know you better than anyone else,

Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of yesterday,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try,
Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try, cause it’s your time,
Time to fly.

In a moment, everything can change.

 


In a moment, everything can change.

 
 

 

Here’s the thing. I know the title says “My Dream Team Friends.” I don’t even
consider yall my “Dream Team” friends. I consider yall my actual Friends. Eh,
well that sounded bad, but oh well, It’s True!

FOR
YALL!!:

And I never thought I’d feel this way

and as far as
I’m concerned
I’m glad I got the chance to say
that I do believe I love
you.
And if I should ever go away
well

then close your eyes and
try
To feel the way we do today
and then if you can remember:

Keep smilin’
keep shinin’

knowing you can always count on me
for sure –
That’s what friends are for.
For good times and bad times

i’ll be on your side forever more –
That’s what friends are for.

Well
you came and opened me
and now there’s so much more I see

And so by the way I thank you.

Oh
and then for the times
when we’re apart

Well
then close your eyes
and lovely words are
comin’ from my heart

And then if you can remember:

Keep smilin’

keep shinin’

knowing you can always count on me for sure –

That’s what friends are for.
For good times and bad times
i’ll be on
your side forever more –
That’s what friends are for.

Keep smilin’

keep shinin’

knowing you can always count on me for sure –

That’s what friends are for.
For good times and bad times
i’ll be on
your side forever more –
That’s what friends are for.

Keep
smilin’
keep shinin’
. . .
Keep smilin’
keep shinin’
. . .