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Tag Archives: Reflection

“Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.”

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To whom it concerns,

Darlene’s work will be late

It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate.

To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this

And I’m just her kid, so how could I fight this.

To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment

Maybe I’ll get lucky,

solitary confinement.

—–

To whom it concerns,

Darlene’s great with the ball

But guys don’t watch tomboys when they’re cruising the hall.

To whom it concerns,

I just turned thirteen

Too short to be quarterback,

too plain to be queen.

—–

To whom it concerns,

I’m not made of steel

When I get blindsided my pain is quite real.

I don’t mean to squawk,

but it really burns.

I just thought I’d mention it,

to whom it concerns…

—–

I never thought I would take a
show like Roseanne to have much meaning rather than just a comedy type
show but there are some episodes in there that can hit your gut like a
ten pound hammer. Last night I couldn’t sleep after having a rather
serious conversation with a great person. I flipped on Roseanne and
this episode came on. The name of it was called “Brain Dead Poet’s
Society.” Darlene was forced to write an assignment for class on
something that made her happy or brought her to a happy place. She was
going to procrastinate and do it after the basketball that was on t.v.
Roseanne set her foot down and said that it had to be done before the
game. Upstairs Darlene was doing everything but writing this poem when
Roseanne came up to put away their clothes when she went rubbaging
through her old high school things when she presented Darlene with her
old journal full of several types of writings, mainly poetry. Darlene
being the careless one said you just saved me, she was going to copy
one of hers. Several days later one of Roseanne friends come over and
spill the news that Darlene’s poem was picked to be read at a showcase
type thing, Darlene insists on not going. After a whole run around and
very sensitive moments were revealed with her mom, she went and read it
anyway.

Darlene’s poem that was showcased
on the show hit close to home with me. I do write my own poetry but
nothing this original or something purely genius as this is. The part
about guys not looking at a tomboy walkin’ down the hall, and the
feelings not made of steel and it hurts when you’re blindsighted; it’s
just purely genius.

Just thougth I’d share something that made me cry last night;

Because after all my feelings aren’t made of steel.

In life I’ve learned that the one person that you thought will never
let you down will and that the only thing that keeps you living from
day to day is the hope that we have instilled in others. It’s amazing
how we take all of our hopes, dreams, and fears and trust in someone
else but it’s the hardest to believe in our own self. Is the hope that
we put towards others the same hope that we spend a life time trying to
find for ourselves? In the nineteen short years I have lived on this
earth I have dealt with heartache, misery, depression, and so much
more. Each person always thinks that they have it worse off than
another but in reality there is always someone that has it worse off
than you. Why is it when you approach someone and ask how their day is
they always answer with “good” or “alright, how about yours?” How come
humans are so afraid to admit that they’re having a bad day? That’s
what we humans are; happy plastic people. Casting Crowns wrote a song
about people like us. Every human is capable to depend on another
person for several things. Why is it that we have all become so
inferior of one another? It’s amazing how humans don’t hang on to
another person’s every word because there is so much to learn from one
another. I believe that every human has at least one
good story to tell. If you ever get the chance to take the time out of
your meticulously demanding schedule and listen to the words that
another human speaks you will find yourself bewildered but delighted.
Humans are more powerful beyond reason. Marianne Williamson previously
wrote in her book “A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a
Course in Miracles” that “Our deepest fear is not that we’re
inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It
is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask
ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of
God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure
around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to
make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some
of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates
others.” If we all lived by those words do you think this world would
be better off and that our neighboring stranger wouldn’t judge us by
the clothes we wear or the way we portray ourselves? Is it so much that
we not only have to prove ourselves to everyone but we actually care
what that “other person” thinks so much to let it run our lives. It’s
funny though when you think about that. God doesn’t judge us by our
sins and neither does Jesus. After all, Jesus did die on the cross to
prove that love is real. So where’s the love y’all?

As I pause to reflect over the past few years of my life I can’t help but to
think that my life has been truly blessed, even though I’ve complained about the
littlest things and how hard life’s been. While thinking about these past four
years of my life and how hard I thought they were, I could now kick myself for
having complained in the first place. In fourth block the other day, my teacher
made my class write down four pieces of advice (from experience) to leave behind
to upcoming freshmen. Only being allotted five minutes at the end of class to
collect our thoughts and write it down, I only got two of my four done. One
being “Make the best of it while you can, because time flies by too quickly.
Don’t skip out on school thinking you have better things to do, because you’ll
find yourself coming back when it’s too late.” and the other being, “Always be
thankful for how well you have it, because there is always someone out there
that has it worse. When you think you can’t go on, find it within yourself to
pick up and move on. You’ll always
succeed.”
All the times that I’ve complained about my mom
and how she’s gotten on my nerves or how I’ve griped about how she always
complains about the things I don’t do, or don’t do correctly. I think about it
now and how much she’s impacted my life, and think how much she loves me.

I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for her. I practically grew up
without a father. Now I say this making it sound worse than it seems. I have a
dad, he was there coaching mine or my brothers ball games, and umpired and stuff
like that. He was never “there, there” when I could have used that father
figure. He divorced my mother back when I was twelve. I never had him there for
the things that meant the most in my life. He wasn’t there during the hardest
years of my life. He left my mother to raise us, would always lapse on the child
support (still does for that fact) and left my mother to work 3 full-time jobs
and still uphold the responsiblities as a normal house mom; cook, clean,
laundry, and finish raising two kids during their teenage years. So all the
times that I’ve found myself complaining about how hard she is on me, or the
things that she does (that she SHOULD do) I now
could kick myself for, because I constantly fought with her while she was doing
what she was supposed to do. I want to be just like her, she’s a very strong
person and has gotten me to where I am today. There may be a few things I would
do differently, but that’s something I have to do myself.
This past year
I found myself basically friendless. Sure I had friends, but never a best
friend. I claimed to have a “best friend,” but I really didn’t. So far, it’s
been great; this year that is. God blessed my life more times than one. I’ve
found a permanant home at Line Creek Baptist Church. I’ve made numerous friends
within the youth group, and I have best friend and sister. God even sent me four
other friends that I am thankful for. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that
I’ve been truly blessed. I was baptized on
April 23, 2006 after finally bringing myself to a state to be able to. About 9
years ago I was supposed to get baptized along with my older brother Chris. My
grandmother was supposed to attend, but she fell sick and we cancelled it. She
was in a hosipital bed for nineteen months and was completely helpless. A stroke
took her mobility and her vision. She had a G-tube, and a catheter. As for her
food, we had to crush it and put it through her G-tube three times a day, every
day until her last. We did everything to avoid putting her in a nursing home.
She stayed in my bedroom and all, and I slept on a cot by her bedside up until
she died. Since the day I was born practically, I slept by her side. Whether it
was in the bed with her, or by her bedside on that cot, I was always in the same
room with her. Ever since she died on January 13, 1998, I could never bring
myself to get baptized, because she was supposed to be there to watch. There has
only been two things that I’ve ever asked for and thats for her to attend my
baptism and graduation. I wont get to have her at either of them. She’s there
watching over, but I just wish I could have her there for both physical longing
and emotional support. Things would be so much different if she were still here.
I know she’s in a better place. My graduation is on May 27, 2006, and I hope
that when I look out into the stands where my family is sitting, I see her there
sitting with them waiting for my name to be called. I wish I could see her face
and see how proud she is of me. I just want her to know I love her, and right
now I’m having a hard time dealing with this and wish she was here.

Overall, I’m complete. This time I actually mean it. So if you ever hear me
complain about how bad I have it. Slap me, and wake me up to
reality.

That’s all I have for now…
I think I’m going to
bed.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin’ as it flows
And a
dreamer’s just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn
from what’s behind you
And never knowing what’s in store
Makes each day a
constant battle
Just to stay between the shores…and

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
‘Til what we
put off ’til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don’t you sit upon the
shoreline
And say you’re satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare
to dance the tide…yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

There’s bound to be rough waters
And I know I’ll take some falls
But
with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all…yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the
wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never
try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
‘Til the river runs
dry

So what if I always find myself settling for the path of least resistance
and always sitting upon the shoreline? I will forever be burried in the legacy
of everyone else.

I just want to get out of this small town and breakaway. There is so many
limitations of what I can and can’t do. I want to be my own person, and start
living for who I am. Everytime I find myself saying these things I find myself
second-guessing them once again. What am I thinking? I can’t leave behind my
family, and my friends. There’s only one thing that’s keeping me from the
military right now, and if she wasn’t there, I’d be shipping out to Texas for
bootcamp right after high school. I say this and I’m like “What am I doing?”
“Who I am?” Even if that person wasn’t in my life and I was leaving for
bootcamp, the only reason I’d be there in the first place is for all the wrong
reasons. It’d be escaping the things and problems that bother me the most. If I
was to run away now, I’d be running away the rest of my life. I want to get away
to at least figure out my life on my own, but if I figure out the rest of my
life on my own and I get used to being alone, will I be alone the rest of my
life because I’m afraid to let someone come in a ruin those plans and dreams? Is
being alone what I really want? Is going into the military what I really want?
Is escaping what I really want? WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT? Am I being selfish
because I don’t know what I want or too stupid to realize what I want is right
in front of me?

So many questions….

Ever since I started training as an Explorer at the fire department I
couldn’t think of anything but firefighting. Ever since then I could see myself
as being a firefighter and nothing else. People would always ask me what I
wanted to be, I’d say a firefighter or sometimes nothing at all. Afraid of
people laughing in my face and saying, “Oh that’s no real job” or “Why would you
want to do that, that doesn’t pay money.” I know it isn’t always about the
money, and firefighting is a real job. How can it not be a real job saving
people’s lives everyday to get payed little to nothing, and get no recognition
for what you do?

Everyone’s saying why don’t you do firefighting, it’s what has stuck through
all the other ideas of what you’ve wanted to be. Sure, that’d be the most
obvious one to go with, but what if that’s not what God wants. Sometimes what
you want isn’t nessicarily what God wants for you. If I do do that, what if I’m
not great at it? What if I fail? Is it normal to have this much fear as to what
I should do, or this many questions as to what I should decide? So much
second-guessing, this can’t be healthy.

There’s so many questions and very little answers. It’s going back and forth,
I feel like I’m watching a basketball game. In a basketball game, don’t they
score points? When am I going to make a basket? Just for once I wish I could
call a time out to catch my breath. Not now, we’re in overtime. Two points down
with :05 seconds left on the clock. What are we going to do? We going to charge
the net? Pass it? Shoot a three-pointer to win, or settle for what we know we
can do and go into another overtime? What is it that we’re going to do? Are we
going to settle for the road of least resistance or venture down the path of the
“Road Less Traveled?” What is it that the little voice inside your head is
telling you? Is it telling you to do the opposite of what your coach says
because you know what your capabilites are, or is it telling you to follow his
lead and trust in others to learn about teamwork? Are the referees the obstacles
that are in our way, or is it our stubborness that keeps setting us back? Is it
our pierced ego that keeps allowing the other team to get foul shots, or is it
our willingness to see others succeed? Why is it we only romanticize the
good and never the bad?

How come everytime we stop to look at our future and where it leads,
we find ourselves set back 10 miles from where we began?

As I’ve sat here for the past two days wondering how to answer this question
I find myself drawing blanks. As I think of how to answer this question I ask
myself, “If I can’t even answer this simple question how do I even know that I
have a promising future?”

I used to be afraid of so many things, that I’d never grow up, that I’d be
trapped in the same place for all eternity, that my dreams would forever be shy
of my reach. It’s true what they say, time plays tricks on you. One day you’re
dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality.

Now that the scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss
her. I do. Because there are things that I want to tell her, to relax, to
lighten up, that it is all going to be okay.

I want her to know that meeting people who actually except you for who you
are will become an increasingly rare occurrence. Paige, Bethany, Katie, Abby,
Jennifer, Caitlyn, Sonja, these people who contributed to who I am they are with
me where ever I go. As history gets rewritten in smalls way with each passing
day my love for them only grows, because the truth is, it was the best of
times.

Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all that
has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to
forget the bad and romanticizes the good? Maybe it’s because we need to believe
that the time we spent together actually meant something. That we were there for
each other in a time in our lives that defined us all. That time of our lives
that we will never forget. I can’t swear that’s exactly how it happened. but
this is how it felt.

So the only thing I could think of that unites us all, that we all have in
common, is that we start out in kindergarten thinking we can be anything we want
to be and by the time we get here we’ve all lost that feeling, we’ve all started
to believe. Whatever our friends or our parents have told us about what we can
achieve in life and who we can be.

We’ve forgotten about the possibility we had when we were younger, that’s the
one thing we all have in common. So the symbol of us means, possibility, as we
live it’s a little daily reminder of the fact that if you believe in yourself
even when the odds seem stacked against you that anything is possible.

Your whole life is about to change in a way that it will never be the same
again. Your opening a new chapter, and you have to give a proper goodbye to the
old one. You dont want to miss these moments even the sad ones, because you’ll
never get them back again. So enjoy this time, let it wash over you so that your
memories of it are strong. Have faith that things will work out for the best,
that whatever sent us off in different directions is the very same thing that
will bring us back together.

We talk like we know what’s going on, but we don’t. We don’t know anything.
We’re really young and we’re gonna screw-up a lot. We’re gonna keep changing our
minds and even sometimes our hearts. And through all that, the only real thing
we can offer each other is forgiveness. At a certain point the whole thing just
becomes too much to process and your brain gets taken out of the loop. All you
have to rely on is your heart, your natural human instincts. It’s liberating.
Not at first of course; At first it’s terrifying, like falling, but that’s the
point, isn’t it?

This is one of those rare milestone events that separates the first half
of your life from everything that follows.
All the really exciting things in
life require more courage than we currently have. A deep breath and a leap. The
kind of fear you’re talking about sometimes it’s how we know that it’s
worthwhile. What you think you’re leaving behind here, it’s just going to be
that much bigger when you return. Friends give you the worst of news with the
best of intentions, where everything is said in silence because the emotion
behind what we really want to say is just too overwhelming. If I’m thanking you
for anything it’s for being yourself. It’s for not caring what anybody else
thinks. It’s for knowing in your own heart what’s wrong and what’s
right.

That’s something I wrote to Bethany in an email the other day. I went back
and re-read what I wrote, because being the weird person that I am I never read
stuff before I send it, print it, or post it. I’ll second-guess my writing and I
wont get anywhere. Sort of like now.

Upon reading it I was shocked to see so many answers to questions I’ve asked
numerous times. It’s amazing how we read, write, and even say things and its a
shame how we don’t linger and hold on to each other’s every word like we should.
Humans are powerful beyond reason.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is
our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your
playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in
some of us; it is in

EVERYONE.

And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated
from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates
others.”

——————————-

Every Wednesday during Bible study Miz Charlotte always has something that I
take home with me to think about. For the past three weeks we’ve been talking in
deep conversation about listening to your heart. Everyday we’re faced with
people who tell us what we should become. Most people always decide what the
want to do based on money. It’s not always about money it’s about what you want
deep down in your heart and unless you find that you wont have true
happiness.

Oh I swear this town gets smaller everyday,
and I’m waitin for my chance.

I’m gonna break away.
I’m so sick and tired of being told what’s good for
me.
People got lots of ideas, of who I’m supposed to be.

I’m afraid that I’m not going to follow my heart and therefore never find
true happiness. Is it wrong to fear the future because you’re scared that you
might not follow the plans that God has for you? If all roads lead to the same
path then what is it that we are going to learn if we take the wrong one? Will
we learn anything? Or will we just waste all that time because we we’re too
stupid to follow our heart to begin with?

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the
path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they’re
worth taking
Lovin’ might be a mistake
But it’s worth making
Don’t let
some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling
out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing
glance

So many questions that I ask and the answer I can never find. So many ideas I
have of what I want, but in reality I don’t know what I want. Am I being
selfish, or too gullable to make up my own mind? Everything is so easy to
second-guess and ironically it’s so easy to screw-up. There’s only one word I
can think of that I will get out of this whole mental process and that is
PROSPER.

Until next time…

It wasn’t until January 5th when I saw the direction where my life was headed…

Sometimes
I find myself in deep thought asking myself “why do things always
happen the way they do?” I know that everything happens for a reason
and that you grow as a person from the experiences in your life. I mean
it’s not everyday that you face the hardest thing in your life that
you’ll have to overcome. Its the metamorphic phase that you will go
through that will change your being for the rest of your time on this
earth. It mesmerizes some but as for the person its taking place with,
it’s all overwhelming.

During
this inner-changing phase the person tends to push away the people and
things they love the most. They don’t mean to but dealing with
everything on top of this experience they have on their plate is
fulfilling and exhausting. We try not to hurt the people, nor push them
away, but it’s the only thing we know how to do because it seems it’s
the easiest thing to do at the time to make it easier on ourselves. We
try to fix the things and the people we hurt, and yet everything we
find ourselves saying sounds just like the reoccuring thoughts in our
head. The words come out jumbled and fast and confusing. The words
always make things worse and never better.

With
it being overwhelming it allows us to lose hope a lot quicker than
others. A few months back I begun to lose hope. Self-doubt has always
been a self issue with me and losing hope didn’t make it any better.
Doubting myself led to worse things and more stuff got thrown my way
and thats when the levy broke, I lost the last bit of hope I had left.
Losing hope has been the biggest life-altering experience I have faced.
As I walk down the hallways in our school I feel worthless and small,
scared and cowardly. Cowardly is the only way you can feel when
self-doubt and hopelessness lingers over your head. The cowardly
feeling is unchangable, irreversable, and everlasting; Everlasting
until you regain that hope back.

That’s
what the next phase in my life is going be: rebuilding and regainging.
Rebuilding the self-esteem I lack. Rebuilding the relationships and
people that I’ve hurt previously. Regaining my self composure.
Regaining my hope back so I feel worthy in some aspect of life.
Redevoting myself to God, because when I lost hope I began to lose hope
and trust in the only threshold to my future. Without that threshold
I’d have nothing.

I
cannot control the changes that are occuring but only accept them. It’s
not the changes that I want, it’s the changes that God wants me to
have. It’s going to be a life-altering experience and a “Mountain Top
Experience” for me. I anticipate when that day comes, for I know others
that feel this way too. Whatever happens is going to be best for me and
it’s something that has to be done.

So here’s to the metamorphic phase in my life…and a new start in 2006..

“Fly”Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try, cause it’s your time,
Time to fly.

All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there’s nothing left,
And the world’s feeling hollow.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try, cause it’s your time,
Time to fly.

And when you’re down and feel alone,
Just want to run away,
Trust yourself and don’t give up,
You know you better than anyone else,

Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of yesterday,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try,
Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try, cause it’s your time,
Time to fly.

In a moment, everything can change.

 


In a moment, everything can change.

 
 

 

January 1, 2006

My Life in 2005

 

Overall I think this has been the most disgraceful year of my life. I feel I
am the worst person on this Earth for even writing that because I know you
should be thankful for everyday that you get to live. If I could go back there
would be a lot of things that I would do different, things I would have left
unsaid, people I would have never hurt, and things I would have never done to
begin with. I look back on these times that have now past and wonder if I am
going to do them again in the future. I beat myself up about them because I’ve
never let them go. They say you shouldn’t hang onto your past but there is
something in me that isn’t allowing me to let go.

In the past year I’ve let not only myself down but others as well. I not only
hurt myself but I hurt others in the process and I feel like I’ve failed in all
aspects of life. I’ve only done enough to get by and not once have I tried doing
something with an open mind. I lost every ounce of motivation that I once had
and that left me in disgrace, humiliation, degradation, dishonor, and ignominy.
Self-degradation hovers over my head and I have the constant fear that people
can see it as if it were a ghost following me. I feel as if “pot-scum” is my
first name.

In the past six months I watched my best friend hit rock bottom, slip through
the cracks, and fall some more. I left her hanging, provided no support, treated
her like pure crap, and watched her suffer through absolute pure misery. I made
her swallow her ever-loving pride, pierced her ego, and sucker-punched her in
the stomach more than once. I watched her lose everything with my own two eyes,
I watched her walk around as an empty shell, and watched her get treated like
crap by the people she cared most for. I was there when she lost everyone in her
life person-by-person. I was also there when she lost everything in her life
piece-by-piece. I saw her lose herself, her security, and her composure while I
still had all that from her helping me discover it.

This past semester of school I gave up on myself half-way through and didn’t
go out with a fighting chance. I gave up without even caring. I never once
looked beyond that to see what I could have gotten out of the experience. I lost
whatever motivation I had, lost myself, and then gave up. I was too cowardly to
attend class because I figured I had no use when I made a few lousy test grades
that made my average suffer. I know someone in the same situation that made
awful grades on every test she took but she still gave herself hope thinking the
next one would be different. She ended up failing the class, but I do know that
she went out fighting. I was too stubborn to oversee the failing test scores and
too stubborn to at least leave the class knowing that I tried my hardest.

I turned my relationship with my mother absolutely the complete opposite of
what it was. She was the one person I was actually close to and the one person
that I could talk to about anything. I was too oblivious to recognize that I
cared nothing about anyone but myself and my friends. I turned away my mother
and my family just to have fun with my friends. Someone once said to me, “It’s
your senior year, the last year to do the things that you love to do with your
friends. It only happens once and your mother should understand.” I can see
where they were coming from but I took that quote too far. I was spending no
time with my mother whatsoever. I saw her possibly a couple minutes out of the
entire day. I bad-mouthed her, disrespected her and I didn’t have an absolute
care as to what I was doing. It wasn’t until a few weeks before my eighteenth
birthday I realized why her and I fought everyday out of the week.

I guess if I’ve learned anything in the past year, it was about the people
and the things that I care about most. I realized I needed to get my priorities
straight and this is what the new year is for. To work on my priorities,
rekindling relationships that I’ve thrown in the dirt, and doing many things
different. If there is one thing that I am thankful for most out of this past
year, it’s for the people that still have faith in me and the one’s that haven’t
turned their backs on me throughout everything I’ve done to them. Here’s to a
new year, a new start, and a better person. This is definitely a vow to myself
because if I haven’t done one thing right in the past year then this is
definitely something I can consider right for the new year. I guess these are
just “Lessons Learned.”


Rebekah Wigley

 

One word I keep asking myself right now is “why.”

Websters definition for “why” is the cause, reason, or purpose for which.

With that said:

What is the cause for
all of this, What is the reason I am feeling this way, and What is the
purpose for which I am doing this to myself?

For those of you who think this is the follow-up blog that I was talking about, no, its not it.

Yes this was modeled after something Jennifer wrote, but it suited how I am feeling right now, so I went with it.

If I ever seem “uneasy” to yall, dont think that its yall’s fault, because its not. I would never want yall to feel that way.

Until Next time…

I previously posted in an entry:

If you don’t start
recognizing good sometimes, and always the bad, You’ll find yourself doing bad,
and never good.

In Economics on Friday I found myself to be
proven right. That’s a first, I know. I was really shocked, but I had to take
notes so I’ll post some on
here.

*************************************
It’s called Operant
Conditioning…

The Reinforcement side to it: increases the probability
that behavior will be repeated.

Postive Reinforcement: example is a
reward, means something is added.
Negative Reinforcement: example is
something is removed that will have the tendancy to be repeated.

The
Punishment side to it: decreases the proability that behavior will be
repeated.

Positive Punishment: Adds
Negative Punishment:
Removed

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

With
that said:

Reinforcing the things you do right has more of an effect than
punishing for the things you do wrong.

Punishment only leaves that
everlasting picture in a child’s mind that torments them for life. Believe it or
not, I forget the percentage, but most prisoners in the U.S. Prisons today were
always whooped for their wrong doings than ever being reinforced for the things
they did right. Most prisons in the U.S. now go by the Operant Conditioning
System to keep the Prisons fair and orderly.

I found it interesting
myself, whether you do or not is your own
choice.
————————————————————————————

Ok
now…

Why is it that parents always find what Children do bad, and never
see what Children do right?

Mr. Humphrey, my Economics teacher, said in
class Friday that if he would have known about the Operant Conditioning when he
was still raising his kids, he would have done a lot of things different. He
said he hated whooping his kids left and right, but he noticed that it was
always for the same thing. It goes to show you that punishment doesn’t always
work.
___________________________________________________________________________

Another
question:

Why does parents always gripe about how Children get things
done, as long as they get it done?

I never understood that, as long
as it gets done, what does it matter? I mean either way you lose, you do it and
you get it done, you get yelled at about how you do it, you don’t do it and not
get it done, you get yelled at for not doing it. It’s a losing
situation.
—————————————————————–

Anyways,
I guess you can never do anything right when you’re just a failure, and you’re
failing yourself in life. I guess you could never satisfy your parents when
they’re ashamed of
you.
———————————————————————————————

Til’ next time…